Go Away – Male Version

Feeling somewhat vindictive today, I’ve decided to talk a bit about the few archetypes (male) I’d like to go away. And don’t worry, the fairer sex is not safe from my everlasting ire.

So here’s my scolding critique of a few things I feel I encounter way too often. Some of the features they possess overlap, and sometimes I am merely confused. There’s no real order to it, and it’s not a ranking or a countdown. I’m just going to rip into it.

1) The schoolboy

So I hear that some people consider highschool to be the peak of their life. I don’t really know what to say, I… I’m sorry, I guess? Personally, I don’t find myself that drawn to the relationship dramas of children, especially as a backdrop of sexual escapades.

Thought that’s not even fair. That would imply that these characters represent any reasonable approximation of how humans work — even the flawed kind of immature humans you find in high school. No idea why, but it feels to me it’s more likely that the schoolboy is just an excuse to get at the underage puccy.

Or maybe in some cases, it’s the chase after anime archetypes. Because of course there’s porn made by adult men that are based on their favourite children’s shows… and ho boy there’s a lot of it and in many different ways.

2) The fake alpha

Can you smell that? The musky odour of unwashed armpits in the air? It’s a fake alpha male. And oh is there a lot of them. So you might ask, what exactly makes an alpha a fake?

Well, one of the prominent characteristics that make the alpha archetype is their confidence and assertiveness. A fake alpha misunderstands how to be that and instead comes off as insecure and aggressive. Something that on its own can be an enjoyable (if unlikable) character, but requires a degree of self-awareness from the writer.

You expect self-awareness from a porn writer though?

3) The dominator

I’ve had my fair share of encounters with people like this in real life and online. I think it’s just a persona some people also project into their work… or something like that.

The dominator is an attempt at a male dom character that tends to bridge two separate mistakes. A lack of understanding of what BDSM is and a lack of familiarity with BDSM practices.

The latter ensures some staggeringly bizarre scenarios and practices. The former ensures that it’s all carried out with the enthusiasm of an alien trying to re-create BDSM based on things it heard second hand from someone who saw it on the Internet once.

4) The loser

Let’s face it; porn games are made by losers and for losers. So why not embrace something both the author and the audience can relate to and throw in a loser as the protagonist.

Surely it will make it a lot easier to write and a lot easier for the player to comfortably slip into the shoes of such a character. You don’t have to write such troublesome things as being charming or interesting when the protagonist may mouthbreath his way into a flock of women ready to jump his microbenis.

I have no idea why people put up with this, really.

5) The criminal mastermind

It takes a good deal of intelligence to write intelligent characters intelligently. In fact, only galaxy brain cats like myself are capable of such things. Whenever someone else tries to do it, they may often end up with elaborate schemes of blackmail and rape that only seem to work because it happened to be free samples day at the gluestick factory.

I guess the fantasy of turning a woman into your cock puppet is a lot more appealing than the fantasy of being busted and sent to jail to serve as Bubba’s personal soap picker-upper. So, they have to succeed somehow. And sometimes the only way for a moron to succeed is to fight everyone on his own level and come out victorious based on experience alone.

6) Mister wonderdick

Having fapped over a billion times, this man’s dick is a finely honed, master-crafted weapon, ready to cleave his man panties in twine, along with any table that might be set before him.

The mysterious properties of the wonderdick include such feats as:

• • making women a slave to it, effortlessly,
  • getting women addicted to anal, on the first try,
  • turning lesbians straight,
  • curing blindness,
  • causing blindness (what the wonderdick giveth, the wonderdick taketh away),
  • ejaculating half of the wielders body mass in semen,
  • having no refractory period,
  • buttering a whole toast perfectly with just a single swipe,
  • being easily over 50cm long,
  • mistaking circumference with diameter.

Men can be hilariously deluded about the potency of their penile prowess in general, but the portrayal of the male penis in fiction is astoundingly hilarious at times. Though my particular pet peeve with this is that a man being proficient in bed on his first attempt is a given. As if his prodigious mind was already born with full knowledge of both the Kamasutra and the dark pleasures of 50 Shades of Grey.

7) The stinky fat pig

I… I don’t know.

8) The pervert

There are characters out there that defy any moral norms and sneak straight into restraining order territory. They don’t just accidentally see someone in the shower; they rejoice in forcing such events to happen.

Like some sexually incontinent Rube Goldberg machine, they creep on women to the point where, by some kind of fiat, the women agree to get sexed. I assume they just give up and want it over already. Though I would argue getting trucked might be a more desirable outcome.

Characters like this tend to be sexually immature, not in the sense of being young, but instead not having grown past the point of treating relationships like a joke.

9) The Marty Sue

When a character doesn’t have anything interesting going on, the best way to fix that is to make them special. And the specialer they are the better. Like the kind of warrior who makes everyone else on the battlefield forget which end of their weapon is the business end. Thus, he swoops in and saves all the women who are now turned into useless maidens, even though they were capable fighters just a moment ago.

After all, who wants to see a character work for their recognition and reputation? It’s much better if everything that makes them meaningful to the plot is granted to them by plot fiat.

And if you have any other character archetypes you do not particularly care for, do share them with me.