Sex: Entering Domspace

No joke title this time! I have no ideas what to do with it. Right, I know, suggest a title in the comments below, and I’ll change keep changing it to the best title I can find.

I’ve just recently written about subspace, not the method of FTL travel, but rather the mental state of mind a submissive can retreat to during BDSM (Sex: Entering Subspace). During that, I offhandedly mentioned that an equivalent concept exists for doms. Someone asked me to expand on it, so… Today we delve into the mysterious domspace.

As usual, this is related more to the BDSM fantasy and meant as a writing help rather than an IRL guide. So keep that in mind.

To put it simply, domspace is the same adrenaline/endorphin rush as subspace only triggered by experiences from the other side of the curtain. Though due to the dominants position during BDSM play it is definitely skewed towards psychological triggers rather than physical ones.

After all, physically, the dom only (optionally) experiences sex, if you think about it, all of the BDSM paraphiliae do little to add to the dominants physical experience of BDSM sex. The most crucial difference between it and regular intercourse is thus the psychological aspect and the interplay between the dom and the sub – the way the dominant takes in what they are doing to their sub and the submissive’s reactions to it. To be clear, those are important for the submissive too, but I think we can agree that for them BDSM sex is significantly physically different from vanilla activities.

Domspace is a means by which a dominant can achieve sexual gratification from BDSM without physical sex with the submissive. As strange as that sounds it is quite an essential aspect of the practice. Especially from the perspective of a dominant woman.

1) What stirs them

What exactly gives a dom the kicks needed to get this sort of endorphin high? It’s the sub, obviously, or more accurately what they do to their slave. BDSM has powerful themes of control and guidance. For the dom, what the sub experiences is their doing, and that sort of influence over someone else can be intoxicating.

That being said, the aspect of control is far less one-note than you might think, especially if your only exposure to dom-sub play happens through porn or other forms of fiction. Yes, there is one angle where this relates to owning someone as your personal sex toy and all that. There are definitely exciting things that can be narratively done with that. Though as I mentioned already (Sex: Your Dom Is An Asshole), it might also merely paint your dom as a weakling and asshole.

As for the submissive, BDSM can have an emotional quality to the dominant as well. There are interplays of trust between the lovers and the seemingly extreme acts they engage in, for example. But that goes more towards a realistic look at things. Within the fantasy itself, there are some other motivations a dominant may have for their actions. A dominant may be, for example, interested in the development of their slave, realising them as the best they can be in their situation (Sex: How To Train Your Dragon Girl).

An example of such a relationship may be a dom who takes a young, inexperienced and “average” slave with the intention of making them a work of absolute art. In such a case the gratification the owner experiences is much more in line with an artist working on their next masterpiece. And personally, I find that a lot more powerful than if the dom merely relies on sexual gratification.

But that is just an example. The point is that it’s worth moving away from a simple framework of simple sexual gratification. When that happens, there’s a lot more room to develop characters through sex. And not just doing sex for sex’s sake. Characters with chemistry between invoke stronger reactions from the audience. So experiment and try to find something powerful to use as the base of your narrative.

2) Chemistry

Let’s get back to the issue of chemistry between two characters, especially with how it relates to sex. At the base level, to have sex if your story is two people who then proceed to touch each other in different places and possibly to stick odd things into various bodily orifices. That’s the physicality of sex, sure. But it’s one thing to have two people going at each other like wild animals, and another entirely to understand why.

With submissives, within the boundary of the BDSM fantasy, it’s a bit simpler. See, subs generally do not have a choice. For the dom, you don’t have a get out of jail free card. There must be some reason for this, and that reason might very naturally relate to the exact way in which BDSM triggers an endorphin rush for them.

Though I might add it doesn’t need to, professional dominants that are impassionate about their work are… a thing, and I don’t have time to talk about this right now. I’m going off-topic enough as it is.

My point being, the sub has agency in how they react to their situation. But the dominant has agency in entering the situation, to begin with. And because of that, a dominant needs a reason to do so. Something that shapes the broader context of their experiences and desires as a dominant and something that in turn will have a significant impact on the chemistry between the pair. It will also have a substantial effect on the way the audience perceives the dom’s character.

And if you fuck this up, the best case scenario is that your character will appear like a pathetic rapist. Though that’s not to say the fantasy relationship between a sub and a dom has to be positive. It can just always use some depth.