Sex: Your Dom Is An Asshole

I’ve not written about sex in a while, huh? Well, nevermind, time to touch upon that kind of topic.

Today we’re delving into a topic that is a pet peeve of mine. And that’s the portrayal of doms in fiction. Maledom or femdom? Doesn’t matter. The only thing we’re interested in today is the dom and the sub and their relationship during sex play.

To start off with, I hope everyone reading this understands that there is nothing inherently abusive about BDSM. It’s a form of sexual roleplay best done between a pair of consenting, informed adults. This is what I’ve previously described as the difference between the fantasy of BDSM and the reality of BDSM. That’s not what I want to talk about though.

This time I want to focus on the fantasy itself. So let’s make a few assumptions:

• The dom does, in fact, have possession of the sub (that is to say the sub is functionally a sex slave);
• The sub is worth owning (because why would you bother otherwise);
• The dom has no good reason to mistreat the sub (it’s not revenge slavery).

Though this might seems very specific, it’s a pretty good approximation of the typical situation I can see in a lot of media (based on my rampant reading of hen ties and indulgence in pr0n).

What annoys me is how often the dom is an absolute asshole to the sub in those situations. Why though? I can only assume that it comes from a mistaken assumption that BDSM must include degradation or humiliation. There is no place for subtlety, no place for that to come from the situation, it has to be front and centre, carried out by the dom in a mindless fashion.

Now, this doesn’t matter for porn, honestly. You don’t watch porn for the plot. You watch it to get off. I still find it unsexy and personally don’t care for it, but that’s my own thing.

Where I care about it, however, is more narratively structured fiction. And it’s not even because of some misguided demand for proper representation of BDSM. No. I just find it far more interesting when it’s a bit better thought out.

So what exactly is the issue?

1) A dom abusing a sub is like…

An owner abusing a sex slave, specifically a sex slave worth owning, is akin to a man pissing on his authentic van Gogh painting to mark it as his own. Just pulling out his pisswerfer and werfing piss all over it, as men do. To put it bluntly, it makes little sense and reflects poorly on the dom. This has to do with authority and how certain behaviours undermine it.

In the fantasy of BDSM, the dom holds authority over the sub. More than just power, the dom is in actual control of the sub’s life and what the sub can and cannot due. The sub must submit as that is their lot in life.

The thing is, violent and destructive behaviour is about the most not authoritative thing one can do. It’s a general quirk of human psychology that we expect people in power to act as if they are in control of the situation, not trying to take control of it. A subtle difference but this is why you are not supposed to scream or lose control of yourself when speaking to others. It paints you as someone who has already lost grip on the situation and often also as pathetic. And in the case of a male dom, even being in possession of a pathetic dick. A pathedick, if you will.

That isn’t to say that a dom should not discipline or punish their sub. But as with many things, there is a proper place and time for that, as well as a proper attitude to have during it.

2) This worthless slut…

Another typical element of how a dom is portrayed in fiction involves (sadly) a constant stream of verbal abuse hurled at the sub. Let’s think about this for a moment though. Why exactly does this happen?

Have you ever heard the story of the two brothers arguing? You know, the one where one goes “your mother is a whore” at the other, not noticing the irony of the situation?

Well, how does it paint the slave owner then, when that owner calls their property worthless (or worse)? The sub is not in a place where this kind of degrading words should be affecting them. The sub has already been stripped of their human dignity. Who the words speak about is the owner, the dom.

Firstly, there is a whole another layer of buffoonery that I’ve already gone over. I’m not going to repeat myself with that again.

Secondly, we can look at what precisely the dom is saying about themselves when verbally abusing their sub. They are devaluing their property, painting themselves as someone not in possession of anything worth owning. The sub is not something to be enjoyed and indulged in, but more of a burden on the dom. Apart from the comparison to the two brothers, another similarity can be drawn to animal ownership. A person who abuses their animals yet expects some kind of loyalty from the animal.

The typical behaviour of a dom in porn and fiction generally lends itself to a negative portrayal of the person. Hence why you so often see “is a sadist” or “is into BDSM” to be traits of the antagonists. A shorthand to make the audience take a negative view of them which can then be strengthened by their petulant, childish behaviour. It is a view that lacks nuance and does not lend itself well to more serious narratives.

What I want to convey here is that you might need to think of how you portray your doms, because if you do it wrong, you can severely undermine their authority as a dom.