Vanripper is a man of sublime taste in women but subpar preferences in pancake filling. So here’s an alternative. Just keep in mind, I’m not going to go over the process of preparing the pancakes, only the filling. If for some reason you decide to ignore this note, don’t get surprised when the pancakes fail to materialise.
First, let’s start with the ingredients:
- 500g quark,
- 200g sweet cream,
- 2 medium unborn children of fowl (eggs*),
- an unspecified amount of white gold (sugar),
- (optional) some honey,
- THE SPICE**,
- 250g of jam***,
- (very optional) a handful of dried fruit****.
You will also require these tools:
- a black sharpie,
- a potato ricer,
- a large culinary mortar and pestle,
- a glass,
- a small bowl,
- a large bowl,
- an assortment of spoons and forks,
- a plate.
Start by preparing your mortar in a prominent position in the middle of your pancake summoning table. Use the sharpie to draw a pentacle around it. In each corner inscribe the name of one of your guardian daemons (or your fav waifus, that works too). Put the quark through a ricer right into the mortar. When in lack of a ricer, you will need to get your hands dirty and just fuck the quark up manually. Take a fork and smash it. Now assess the moistness of the mess before you. Quark can vary in this regard, add in some of the cream to moisten your mixture. Thoroughly wash and then split your eggs over a small bowl, do this gently. I realise you might feel compelled to smash the fowl spawn before you like you usually crush your enemies, but you do not want shell fragments in your pancake filling. Deposit the yolk in the glass and the white in the big bowl. This way if your dumb idiot hands will not accidentally spill yolk into your separated whites. Pour the content of the glass into the mortar. Add THE SPICE and a little bit of sugar (or honey). Now. Take your pestle and begin grinding the unholy concoction before you. This is also the best time to sing your choice making pancakes song while swaying your hips from side to side. Once it takes on a uniform, lightly yellow form use your squiggly pink appendage to scoop up a bit of the mass and taste it. This is your chance to make adjustments, like adding more of THE SPICE or some sugar/honey. If you do not feel compelled to change anything, this part of the filling should be done now. If you want to add some dried fruit here,
Move on to the big bowl and add sugar to it. How much sugar? This depends purely on the kind of sugar you are using, so best commune with the Internet to get advice on the best amount of sugar to use. Depending on the size of the fowl spawn I’d recommend 50 to 75 grams of crystallised sweetness. Now whip that bitch until it is stiff and creates peaks. And as soon as that consistency is achieved place it in the refrigerator.
Now make the pancakes.
Finally, it’s time for assembly. Put your mortar somewhere to the side and slap down a pancake right in the middle of your pentacle. Now, take a spoon and scoop up some of that liquid cheesecake goodness from the mortar and run a line of it right down the middle of the golden wheel of delights before you. Repeat the process, preferably using a different spoon, with the jam, placing it either to the side or on top of the quark.
Now roll it up like a cigar. Once it has taken on an unmistakenly tubular shape retrieve the meringue from the refrigerator and lightly cover the top side of the tube with the white floof.
If you are some kind of pleb, you may now take the vaguely phallic object before you and praise Slaanesh with your mouth. If, however, you are a person of class, you will take a fork and knife and do it properly, remembering first to sever the pancakes head, so that it does not feel undue pain while it is consumed.
*) The eggs will not be cooked in the process of making this filling, source good quality, clean eggs. If you are a cowardly pleb, you may also replace the meringue with whipped cream.
**) The spice may consist of a mix of the following ingredients, in any amount or combination that pleases your palette:
- vanilla,
- cinnamon,
- nutmeg,
- the zest of your fav citrus,
- cocoa or shaved dark chocolate,
- coffee (if you are that kind of degenerate),
- and more…
I personally like the combination of vanilla and zest.
***) While any jam will work, for the best effect I suggest something a bit sour, cherry (in particular black/wild cherry), plum or unsweetened apple. Maybe rhubarb if it’s not too stringy. Jam is best sourced from your local friendly Great Grand Mother or Old Uncle One.
****) Raisins are fine but very passée. I recommend mulberries. You can also skip this entirely.
Esoteric Musings... 